Have you ever heard the line “I’ve sacrificed so much for you!” or “I gave birth to you! How can you be so ungrateful?!” or “I gave birth to you and provided you with everything! You’re a disappointment.” Or “You’re killing me!”…something along those lines.
The guilt that comes with those lines is palpable. Especially if you love your parents and truly believes that they love you unconditionally.
But logically speaking, the guilt does not make sense because if your memory serves you right, you had a pretty painful time growing up.
And you know this too. This can fuck with your head tremendously. It destroys your self-worth because you’ve been trying to gain love/approval from people who were supposed to love you for who you are, not what you can do for them.
Let me break down a few things so that the next time your narcissistic parents throw that at you, you can roll your eyes and walk away. Or better yet, break into a full-blown sprint and never look back. Don’t worry, they won’t die, even if they threatened suicide and guilt trip the crap out of you.
1. You didn’t put in a request to be born. Never once, did you fill out an application form, wait on pins and needles for them to say “OK. You know what? I’m gonna sacrifice my life and give birth to you”.
What actually happened was:
a) They decided to have sexy times with each other (without protection). They inserted a penis into the vagina, knowing full well how biology works and created a screaming, crying baby.
b) Their parents told them it’s time to have kids.
c) Their friends had kids and they think it’s time for them to do so.
d) They had an arbitrary timeline for when they should have kids.
e) They didn’t really think that far ahead when they decided to have you.
f) They had FOMO.
None of them actually thought of the bullcrap that comes with having a kid. None of them actually job shadow a mom/dad for a few days to see what it’s actually like to be a parent.
And god forbid, that screaming, crying baby, has a mind of its own. From what I’ve noticed, we all come with our own brain. Uniquely wired with a unique DNA.
2. Babies, toddlers, young kids are helpless and are pretty much useless. Your parents have to feed you, cloth you, teach you good manners, support you, aaaanddd PROTECT YOU. ALL OF THIS will take away their own time, money, youth, sanity, beauty, and sexy times. That’s just how procreation works.
What a concept isn’t it?
If they don’t do such things, guess what will happen?
I’m pretty sure your parents did not want a dead kid on their hands. Not wanting a dead kid, DOES NOT Equal to unconditional love, kindness, caring, and sacrifice. Not having a dead kid means they don’t get investigated and go to jail. Or have the neighbors look at them as a baby killer.
3. You are not an extension of your parents or anyone else for that matter. You may identify with certain groups of people, have similar taste, may look a whole lot like your parents, but sadly, your DNA is uniquely yours. AND THAT is why DNA evidence is so powerful. Even your fart smell is uniquely yours.
Just because your parents didn’t understand the concept of #2, forgot all about #1, doesn’t mean they get to live their lives through you. You’re not a trophy for them to brag about.
It’s not your fault that they lost their time, money, youth, beauty, career, sexy times due to procreation. It’s also not your fault that they may have noble intentions but still bombed because they didn’t read the job posting (of being a parent) properly.
Ask your parents to describe you. Ask them if they know what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what your fav. food is, what you do for a living, what your god damn degree is. If they can’t answer those questions – then alarm bells should be ringing.
If all they can talk about is what you’ve done to them, done for them, and what they’ve done for you, then understand and accept the ugly truth that your parents have been taking care of you because:
1) You’re an extension of them
2) They didn’t want a dead baby on their hand
3) They most likely felt like you’ve robbed them of their life, EVEN THOUGH, you had no say in being born in the first place. But they don’t tell you this because they will have to face the sad truth that they made a mistake in the first place. Narcissists are incapable of admitting their own weaknesses and mistakes. That would be the anti-thesis of being a narcissist.
I asked my dad to explain to me if my mom had anything to do with him physically abusing me. Did he know that she was verbally and emotionally abusing me as well?
My dad replied with “Why are you bringing these things up again?”
(Because you act like you have amnesia?). He also said, “Mom sacrificed her life for you!”
I was like “uh…when you give birth to babies…you’re supposed to take care of them or they’d die.”
He replied by hanging up on me.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or drive to their house and shoot both of them.
They’ve been telling themselves and to me, the same lies over and over again about how much they love me. But their action shows that they actually hate my guts. Esp. my dad because I get under his skin and points out the obvious. He thinks he’s more logical and smarter than me. Sorry dad, you’re a dumb ass.
I didn’t realize that I’ve been living with parents that hate me and used me as an extension of themselves. I was just their narcissistic supply. And I provided a great supply because I complied and excelled at a lot of things. The only thing that I didn’t excel in was being an ignoramus. When I decided that school was boring, my parents are jackasses, and that I like to point out the obvious and call people out on their bullshit – ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. In my sisters’ words, “You needed the most help.” / “You got the worse of it all”.
My parents are the epitome of Narcissistic parents. Like DSMV Narcissists. It has nothing to do with them being Asians. It has nothing to do with the Asian culture. I have Asian friends who did not get the same treatment and I have Caucasian friends who had the exact, if not worse treatment.
If you’ve ever been back-stabbed by a friend, cheated on, or something along that line, take that pain and multiply it by 100. That’s how painful it is to face the ugly truth that your parents did not have your best interest at heart, and for the most part, resented you.
And here’s the kicker, you can’t even blame them entirely. They, themselves, have gone through the exact same treatment from their own parents. Their own parents have also claimed amnesia. It’s like a domino effect. And if you’re not careful and self-aware, you’ll be doing the exact same shit to your own kids. The chance of you being an abusive parent actually increases if you’ve had abusive parents. <— It’s a fun fact. I may get into the nitty-gritty of the subconsciousness and biological aspect of it when I feel geeky enough.
So like I said, the next time your narcissistic parents throw that kind of bullcrap at you, process the pain, feel sorry for them, and walk away. Because it’s a sinking ship that YOU can’t save. If you wanna make them happy, then you have to:
a) Become them
b) Be miserable by being someone you’re not – suicide might become an option.
c) Allow them to suck your soul/identity/life force until they die.
They’re the ultimate emotional vampires. Do you wanna sacrifice your life at the altar of emotional vampires?
I don’t think most of you do.
Disclaimer: This post is for narcissistic parents. There are parents who committed #1 and still managed to become wonderful, loving and kind parents.
Additional reading (trigger warning): https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_586608e7e4b068764965c0ff